I am 38 years old. This is where I’m at. And I always say, you should always be where you’re at.
Themes and Growth
I have a custom of choosing themes for each year. 2023 was the Year of Rest, Revision, and Reintegration. In 2022, I was struggling in these areas. In 2022, I didn’t know what I know now. Here’s what I’ve learned about each of these themes.
Rest
I had forgotten how to rest for a long time. It was just a toxic mix of workaholism, being too serious, and a demanding job. This year, I remembered how to do it. In my experience, I have learned that rest requires two conditions.
Rest involves a shift of location or context. If I have been online a lot, resting means focusing on my physical environment. I learned this from How to Do Nothing. If I have been doing something in my physical environment, resting might mean getting online and scrolling and watching stuff. Or it might mean doing something different in my physical environment. But either way, whatever I’m doing, context shifting is important. But it’s not sufficient.
Rest involves an intent to rest or have fun. Rest isn’t serious. Rest isn’t work. It might involve practicing a skill, which might look like work, but the end goal of that skill is fun. When I practice harmonica, it is not because I aspire to play harmonica professionally. It is because I have fun doing it. When I write this Substack, it is not because I aspire to write for Substack professionally. My intent is to have some fun. I fucking love talking about the ideas of this Substack. I fucking love crafting beautiful, funny, organized, and accessible prose. So that’s what I’m doing the night of my birthday.
Revision
I make lots of plans. None of them go exactly according to plan. This used to bother me. Now I accept that revision is part of living. When my plans fail, and they always do, I reflect and learn and change. And I make new plans. And they fail. And I reflect and learn and change. And I make new plans. And they fail. And that’s fine.
Reintegration
I was an evangelical Christian for around 15 years. Evangelical Christianity formed part of who I am. Then I left it. And I thought I could create a new me. And I did. But I was still an evangelical Christian for 15 years. That still happened to me. That is still a part of who I am. That is inescapably a part of my story. And so I have been on a journey to reintegrate that part of my past with my present self.
My friends and family who are exvangelicals are not having the same experience as me, so I suspect this journey I’m going on is not for everyone, not for every exvangelical. But if any of this resonates with you, here’s how I’ve been thinking about it.
I learned from the part of my story that was the evangelical experience. For a long time, I thought that the most important thing I learned was what I didn’t like about evangelical Christianity. I thought the most important thing I learned was what I hated about who I was back then. And so, I didn’t want to have anything to do with it for a long time.
I didn’t stop to think about what I loved about who I was back then. I didn’t stop to think about what I loved about being an evangelical Christian. And I think I suffered some for it. I wouldn’t let myself enjoy the good parts because of the bad parts. I had committed the genetic fallacy; I had judged all parts of the evangelical experience as bad because it was from evangelicalism. But I realized that I did not want to deny myself the good parts anymore. Because I loved the good parts. I realized I loved part of who I was. And I was tired of denying that love.
What was there to love?
There were, as fellow exvangelical Derek Webb puts it, targets worth pursuing.
What targets?
The virtues of Christianity. Faith, hope, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, self-control. The wisdom of Proverbs and Ecclesiastes. Love of neighbor as self. Agape—that is, unconditional love. Forgiveness.
The culture of Christianity. The music—some of it speaks to me, some of it helps me focus, some of it is just for fun. The lyricism of Rich Mullins and Sara Groves and Caedmon’s Call. The writings of Lewis, Chesterton, and Tolkien.
The examples of Christianity. The example of the life and death of Jesus. The example of the early church caring for each other and rising above ethnic differences (e.g. accepting Gentiles). The example of consensus-building in the early church councils (Creeds and canons were written by committee). The example of agape in the Emmaus and Chrysalis communities.
These things still matter to me. These are still my targets. So I’m looking for more opportunities to volunteer in my local community. I’ve been working through back catalogs of Christian music I missed after I stopped listening. And I modeled a recent Stoic event I led after the Emmaus community.
Where I’m At and Where I’m Going
I’m 38. I am finding a kind of balance in life. I am still searching, but maybe less loudly. Maybe with more patience with myself. I love my wife, my family, my friends, my coworkers, my job. I want to relish it more. I want to be in the moment more. So my first theme for 2024 is Happiness.
Still, life is in hard mode right now. It is a difficult world to live in. Terrible things are happening, are being done to people half a world a way and in my country and on the streets of Boston, my home. I know I have work to do as a person living in this world and in my country and in my community. So my second theme for 2024 is Help.
But perhaps the most profound lesson I have learned lately was explored in You Fuckhead, which is that I know less than I think. I’m wrong a lot and I’m wrong about a lot. And I’m less important than I feel. I definitely still have main character energy, and I’d like to turn that down a bit. Taylor speaks to me. Sara speaks to me. Epictetus speaks to me. I’m trying to listen. So my main theme for 2024 is Humility.
If your a friend, feel free to stab me in the face. If you’re a fellow traveler, I hope something from my journey speaks to you.
Interesting journey. Life has a purpose for good. Blessing on your path.